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'If Pee-wee Herman went into catering he might come up with something like this'
The tides of restaurant trends move in pre-ordained patterns, dictated by the gravitational pull of the major metropolises. So Manchester and Glasgow copy London, which apes New York, which in turn cannibalises its own past, rose-tinting and sanitising and twirling its moustaches.
Unlike in the theatre, you open in London, then move to the provinces. The rare occasions when things happen the other way round are generally met with sniffiness: a Manchester outfit recently landed in London's Piccadilly has drafted in Aldo Zilli to help its marketing push, deaf to the hoots of derision from the capital's restaurant-goers.
What I've never encountered before is a Marbella restaurant deciding to branch out to London. And not a Spanish one, either, but a "creative Japanese restaurant" with "unique chefs" offering "A TOUCH OF ROMANCE" (their caps). What's that word again? Oh yes: hubris.
Sushi des Artistes is heroically ugly: dark and moody but sheeny-shiny, red-and-black stripes everywhere, huge TV screen belting out Yo-Yo Ma or the Bee Gees, light fittings either bowler hats or the kind of coloured chandelier usually found in teenage girls' bedrooms. It's the absolute antithesis of the calm, serene Japanese restaurant model, like eating inside a migraine.
And who wrote the vast menu? A Chuckle Brother? Sashimi assemblies are called things like "Salmon and Garfunkel" and "Love for sale"; appetisers "A kiss with edamame" or "Love me tender". If an item can feature truffle, wagyu or foie gras, it will. Prices cause me to lose all feeling in my fingertips.
The food is equally absurd. There are big flabby prawns wrapped in a mummy's shroud of impenetrable noodles doused in sweetish goo. A polished tile balances a red wineglass draped with slices of yellowtail, all foofed with strawberries, slivers of lemon, barrels of cucumber, microherbs and lashings of flavourless white truffle. If Pee-wee Herman went into catering, he might come up with something like this.
Butterfish (Server: "Have you had butterfish before? We fly it in from Japan. It's just like cheese." Sold) comes coiled into bud shapes, this time with flavourless black truffle. There's an oafish sock of truffle oil, too. Portions are tiny; we keep ordering in the hope that something truly satisfying will keel up. But no: squares of fridge-cold "wagyu" accessorised by cut blooms; beef "ravioli" (yep, with truffle) of dense, plasticky chewiness; "three types of foie gras" that are, in fact, one type of foie gras on three different-coloured bases.
Oddly sugary softshell crab looks as if it's trying to escape from its eggy wrap, on which someone has limned "Artistes" in loopy cursive. If only they took such care over the chilly, puddingy rice. Gari is luridly pink and wasabi isn't freshly grated. The fish isn't actively bad, just a little tired – possibly a spot of jetlag. Everything is bedizened with flowers and unseasonal fruit – I'm sure that if they could gold-plate it like one of those Vertu phones, they would.
Staff try their best, badgering us to death with kindness, but the restaurant remains almost entirely empty. Even the rich stoopids who eschew carbs and groove on truffles and foie are giving it a wide berth.
Keeping abreast of Japanese restaurant trends is tricky – like the rest of the country's contemporary culture, they move at the speed of light (and you're looking at someone who once spent half an hour trapped in a Comme des Garçons jacket that turned out to be a skirt). But I'm prepared to bet Sushi des Artistes doesn't represent one of them. It's a ludicrous restaurant. When the bill arrives, I start to wonder if maybe it isn't ludicrous enough: maybe they should be adding value, like they do in Tokyo, with monkey waiters or ninja attacks. If it's still here in this identical incarnation when the cherry blossom hits Chelsea, I'll eat one of those bowler hat lampshades. Topped with truffle, obviously.
• Sushi des Artistes, 85 Sloane Avenue, London SW3, 020-3583 3797. Open lunch noon-4pm, dinner 6pm-late. Meal for two with drinks and service, about £180.
Food 4/10
Atmosphere 2/10
Value for money 1/10
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