Silly signs, daft names – why is going to a restaurant loo so tricky?

Save us from doors marked ‘gulls’ and ‘buoys’, ‘samurai’ and ‘geisha’

I am standing in the basement of a restaurant, feeling the fear. Before me are two doors, marked with logos. One is a circle with a crossed line pointing down; the other, a circle with an arrow pointing off to the right. Of course, I should be able to tell which is which. But down here in the gloom, I am uncertain. I look at my phone, anxiously. Naturally there’s no signal down here. I can’t check.

All I want is a pee. But I stand now on the threshold of an incident. Choose the wrong logo – the wrong door – and I’ll be the perv who barged into the ladies’ loo. I don’t want to be that perv. Suddenly a woman comes out of the door marked by the circle with the down cross. I grin at her gratefully. She looks at me as if, at the very least, I’m a candidate for suspicion. I rush off through the other door. Relief.