'Apparently you can't get a table for months. Well, dear chums, don't bother'
Above our heads are what we're told are more than 7,000 test tubes full of spices – turmeric and cumin and whatnot. They look a teeny bit precarious and just a little bit lewd. Sadly, they're unable to disguise the basic ugliness of this long, sterile-looking room at the back of Knightsbridge's expensive Halkin hotel. Formerly David Thompson's Nahm, it's now home to what has been one of the most feverishly anticipated openings of recent history. Apparently you can't get a table for months. Well, dear chums, I'm here to help you out with that tricky booking scenario: don't bother.
That terrible name in full: Ametsa with Arzak Instruction. It's a mixture of English by non-English speakers and obfuscation. Because the reason yer foodie is getting their bowels in an uproar is that this is the first ever venture outside his native San Sebastian for legendary three-Michelined chef, culinary innovator, worldwide influencer and father of "la nueva cocina Vasca", Juan Mari Arzak with his daughter, Elena. Of course, neither is in the actual London kitchen.
I once went to the original in San Sebastian with a black eye (don't ask, but martinis were involved). Nobody batted an eyelid: the rustic roadside restaurant was and is a very relaxed temple of gastronomy. This, however, ain't. I'm not going to whinge about service hiccups from the largely Spanish staff, sleek and chic in Armani frocks and dark suits: even the smoothest, warmest service wouldn't be able to disguise the fact that it's about as relaxed as a fist.
I'm sure the food – we have the tasting menu – is delivering exactly what it has set out to, but it's weirdly forgettable. You get a sense of robotic, rote perfection. The scene is set by the contrived aperitivos on their steel contraptions: a trademark scorpion fish lollipop thing, wrapped in Weetabix-like kataifi pastry; puffed rice wafers sandwiching a fish mousse about as thrilling as tuna mayo; and, weirdest of all, what's described as "cheese puzzle", the puzzle being why anyone would want to torture good cheese until it tasted like ossified Dairylea and looked like a Wall's Funny Feet ice lolly.
The dishes that follow are good, but not great. At £105 a head, I would like great. Another signature dish is "From egg to chicken": one of those low-temperature eggs, with a crackly "paper" made from yolk, surrounded by crisp crumbs of chicken skin with a whiff of truffle. A rich, clear bouillon is poured on top, so the paper collapses into something the texture of sunburnt, peeling skin after a dip in the Med. Monkfish comes with a red onion paper, lamb with a "macchiato" paper. You get the general idea. Even an exciting Lustau sherry previously unknown to me – Pedro Ximenes grapes but without the syrupy sweetness – turns out to be stocked by our local Waitrose.
There's a tendency towards the overwrought. Scallops with "beta carotene"… er, do they mean carrot? The vegetable is combined with a seaweed derivative until it turns into something like a Fruit Winder. But it makes a nice "vase" for some super-fresh micro salad accessorised by flawless seared scallops. Desserts include "moon rocks" that burst frozen citrussy juice into your mouth; they sit on sesame powder with blobs of jammy fruit weirdly arranged into the shape of a skull – a memento mori for the fun times, perhaps.
For Ametsa comes across like yesterday's idea of a good time. I understand the realities of Michelin-starred restaurant finances, that the Fat Ducks and El Bullis of this world have famously lost money hand over fist. And for someone who has ploughed their entire life into a restaurant kitchen without the Lamborghinis to show for it, the temptation to take the "consultancy" dollar must be a mighty strong one. But as a punter, you're only ever going to get a diluted version of the real thing. Me, I'd rather spend the money on a flight to San Sebastian.
• Ametsa with Arzak InstructionHalkin Hotel, Halkin Street, London SW1, 020-7333 1234. Open all week, lunch noon-2.30pm, dinner 6.30-10.30pm (closed Sun night). Meal with drinks and service, £100-plus a head.
Food 7/10
Atmosphere 3/10
Value for money 5/10
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