'It has absolutely no sense of place: you could be eating in any expensive tall building, anywhere in the world'
'An amazing view," the pal says, looking out of the vast plate-glass windows over the Gherkin, St Paul's and ribbon-like expressways, "is a bit like a good-looking husband. You're all thrilled at first, but then you stop noticing and just get irritated by… well, the irritating stuff."
Yes, the view from Oblix on the 32nd floor of the Shard is spectacular, the river glittering like pewter and buses looking like Dinky Toys. There's an undignified scrum for window seats, obviously – mostly by me. They're all booked, I'm told sniffily, which galvanises my best passive aggression. There's no way they're marooning me at the back of the room with its anodyne dark wood decor and publicity-shy slebs (apparently).
Rightly anticipating the full Violet Elizabeth Bott, they grudgingly give us a pew with a view. It's with some satisfaction I note two high-profile restaurant writers relegated to the Siberian interior. Hah! Take that, you sillies who haven't booked a noon slot two months in advance and don't have the nous to come across like a woman on the verge.
We amuse ourselves trying to work out the hierarchy of waiting staff by their outfits: suits clearly trump silky patterned shirts, which in turn look down on grey uniforms. And what purpose do the squads of beautiful girls in sticky-out, Hepburn-esque frocks serve? Whatever: it's all more interesting than the menu, a style of food best described as International Fancy Hotel Safe – Caesar salad, clam chowder, ceviche-y stuff, lobster and wagyu. It has absolutely no sense of place: you could be eating in any expensive tall building, anywhere in the world. We're told, "Everything is for sharing." What tripe. There's no way I'm divvying up my starter: excellent crab cakes, costing £19 for two and the size of washing powder tablets. Add service and that's more than a tenner each. It's not the view that's making me light-headed.
We have a few slivers of beef on a large plate. The beef might be fabulous, but there's no way of knowing: its gingery-soy-garlicky dressing has sent all other flavour packing. Our mains are entirely forgettable: upscale ingredients served with fruity sidekicks: rotisseried duck with mango; halibut with "Meyer lemon jam" – an ingredient I get excited about but that turns out to be lemon curd.
The duck's laquered-looking skin is the biggest disappointment – flabby and loose, not treacly and crisp. Actively duff is a vast slab of "roasted" cauliflower, cut on the cross-section – it's virtually raw and, bar the lemon jam, anointed with exactly the same toppings as the fish: weeny croutons, caperberries, almonds. There's a splendid fudgey brownie dessert that comically seems to be shaped like a child's drawing of the Shard itself.
At the risk of sounding a teeny bit jaded, I've eaten dinner up many a lofty building. The likes of Hutong in Hong Kong, a branch of which is about to land upstairs from Oblix; and the restaurant in the Hyatt Tokyo (scene of Lost In Translation and an entry in Oblix's owner Rainer Becker's CV). They tend to follow a pattern: interior design that's inevitably called "sleek", gazillions of model-looking staff, a clubby soundtrack (if you stopped clubbing in the late 90s). Oblix ticks all those boxes, adding a hot, dark tunnel to walk through and a bustling, whites-clad chefs' station as you enter, giving the impression that this new London landmark has just given birth to you.
Oblix (daft name, makes you want to bellow, "Asterix!") is designed to crowd-please a specific clientele: they can eat familiar-looking food surrounded by familiar-looking people – a Maccy D's approach for the internationally minted. If you're this kind of people, you might well love it. I find it eminently unlovable: if it were that handsome husband, I'd already be immune to the looks and aggravated by the inability to put the dishes in the dishwasher.
• Oblix Level 32, The Shard, 31 St Thomas Street, London SE1, 020-7268 6700. Open all week, 10am-midnight. About £80 a head with drinks and service.
Food 6/10
Atmosphere 7/10 (for the view)
Value for money 4/10
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