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Are you QF or a VNP? Whatever happens, steer clear of DBC
Like many stressful working environments, restaurants often develop their own language, full of abbreviations that save staff time, and customers their egos. Thanks to the New York Times, who recently published a list of "secret codes" used in the city's kitchens and dining rooms, we now know that in one Manhattan restaurant, "O" is code for "a plump guest" , and that "balls to the wall" means a certain meatball joint is packed.
In the majority of London restaurants, the most useful terms tend to be the ones for difficult customers. "HAF" stands for "had a few" in one restaurant, to indicate boisterous diners. Which is far preferable to "PIA", shorthand for an individual "pain in the arse", employed by the staff of the Ship in Wandsworth. Tables of truly awful customers at that pub are designated "DBC" – Douche Bag Central,
If you're looking to avoid becoming a DB, make sure you're very polite when booking your table. The Ivy will write "VNP" (Very Nice Person) next to your name in the book if you seem particularly pleasant on the phone. "It just tips off the maître d' that the prospective customer made a good impression," says the restaurant's managing director.
Often staff will need to discuss specific customers once they arrive, but without knowing guests' names, they have to resort to physical descriptions. Russell Norman of Polpo uses "Assisi" as code for bald customers – St Francis, like many monks, is supposed to have been hairless. He also uses "LAL", which stands for lookalike, then writes the name of a famous person. "Sometimes you get a Keira Knightley lookalike, but more often it's Mike Leigh. Anybody with a goatee I would notate as Noel Edmonds, and bald accountants wearing thick glasses would always be Michael Fish."
Many restaurateurs ban "VIP" from their guestlists lest an indignant non-VIP see it next to another punter's name. One London restaurant uses "TI" for "très important" instead. The Polpo group prefers "WKF" (well-known face), while Bar Boulud uses the fairly common "PX" for "personne extraordinaire".
For those who like to be left alone during their meal, the Wolseley on Piccadilly, might refer to them as a "doughnut", slang to pay special attention to guests at the beginning and end of a meal, but to leave them be while they're eating. The Park Lane Hilton's Galvin at Windows meanwhile, will write "QF" in the reservation book if they know the guest is "quite fussy". Many Olympic delegates are currently staying in that hotel, but the restaurant wouldn't disclose whether those initials have been appearing more frequently in recent days.
Inside the kitchen, "JFDI" is a useful mnemonic based on an emphatically rendered Nike slogan, one that a slow-moving junior is likely to be on the receiving end of many times a day. Better than being told you're "86'd". "I've taken '86' to every restaurant I've ever been in," says Rowley Leigh of Le Café Anglais. "When people are sacked, they're said to be 86'd. It can also mean a dish is off the menu". (The term apparently comes from printing: 85 lines was once the maximum in certain formats.)
The line no staff or customer ever wants to hear is "Change the Tetley's". Formerly used in East End pubs, changing a cask of Tetley's is code for calling the police.
