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It's not fast, it's not cheap and it's not tasty – so why do so many people still willingly pay to eat this stuff
Have you been to a Garfunkel's before? (Or is that a Harvester?) In any case, as a paid-up member of the worst kind of food snob fraternity, my answer has always been no. Thank you kindly for asking, but no.
But something's afoot. From the top of a bus on the Strand, I look down and see two branches of the mid-range, fast-casual, non-premium offering – or whatever the marketing men from owners, The Restaurant Group (Chiquito, Frankie & Benny's) might call it – only yards from each other. And while one still brandishes the familiar, Angus Steakhouse-like, blood-clot colour scheme, the other has undergone a transformation into something altogether more… Jamie.
I'm intrigued. I know nothing about Garfunkel's, assuming it to be one of those pseudo-US joints that sprung up in the 70s and managed to hang around longer than the likes of Peppermint Park. Which is about right: it was invented in 1979 by one Phillip Kaye, also responsible for Golden Egg and Deep Pan Pizza, and whose scions landed us with the likes of Ask, Zizzi and The Ultimate Burger (ultimate burger, my arse). I don't know about you, but I find it troubling that one family is behind so many of the UK's mid-range, fast-casual, non-premium offerings.
It appears that the consultancy they've drafted in has identified that these days the only way is British. Shelves are accessorised with Marmite, Lyle's black treacle tins and HP Sauce; the union flag bunting is a bit of a giveaway, too. In terms of cool restaurant signifiers, it's not doing that bad a job – factory lampshades, leatherette booths, that whole kind-of-diner ethic – but the menu lollops all over the place: pizza, pasta, pies, burgers, fish'n'chips, chicken tikka masala, "famous" rotisserie chicken.
This is the point where I eat my words and swallow my shallow preconceptions, isn't it? Except, sadly, it isn't: the food is on a short graph with "meh"' at one end and "argh" at the other. There's prawn cocktail in which I play hunt-the-prawn (there are nine: miserable, flavourless little commas) in a compost heap of browning iceberg and shouty Marie Rose sauce. Calamari come in a stout breadcrumb straitjacket and taste of pork scratchings. Chicken, woolly and tough, is topped with leathery cheese and a BBQ sauce that could weatherproof fences as effectively as creosote and smells not dissimilar. A puck of gristly, mahogany-coloured meat is topped with halitotic onion rings, its scattering of chips peaky, frozen jobs; this burger costs a brave £11.75.
And what's that lurking against the wall? Why, it's the famous salad bar, clearly resistant to rebranding, unlimited visits to which can be had for £8.45. After one trip – I score cold pasta tubes cooked so they're miraculously neither al dente nor floppy; bendy, vinegary coleslaw; "bacon bits"; viciously pickled beetroot; and bocconcini of mozzarella with the texture of slugs – they'd have to pay me to go back.
Staff are sweet and try their best. Perhaps nobody told them that mopping around customers isn't the greatest idea, the smell of detergent adding nothing to the limp crunch of coleslaw. They interrupt several times to ask if we're enjoying our meal (we grunt non-commitment; hey, we're Brits), but say nothing as they clear almost untouched plates.
According to its literature, Garfunkel's is "legendary and loved". By whom? Normally I wouldn't bother with such a place – filed under Shooting Fish In Barrels – but since they've spent serious dosh on the rebrand, it's fair to have expected a managerial shufti at the food offering, too. If they can source Aspall's golden malt vinegar, they should be able to knock up a prawn cocktail that doesn't taste of stale sweat.
It's depressing there are enough people out there prepared to fork out their hard-earned to keep this kind of lowest-common-denominator stuff afloat. It's not even cheap. Or fast. The Restaurant Group recently posted buoyant financial results, and has plans for 25-30 new restaurants. And that's really depressing.
• Garfunkel's Located throughout central London, Edinburgh and Bath, garfunkels.co.uk. Dinner for two with wine, water and tip, about £70.